Summary

“This practical book presents six essential principles that Danish parents learned to raise happy, successful kids.”

Certain principles are important (e.g. Play, Togetherness) when it comes to parenting. These principles are congruent with my values. However, I feel the book could have been condensed to a single blog post with the same impact. I’ve tried to do that below.

Notes

The 6 Principles Behind the “Danish Way”

Play. Why free play creates happier, better adjusted, more resilient adults.
Authenticity. Why honesty creates a stronger sense of self. How praise can be can be used to form a growth mind-set rather than a fixed mind-set, making your children more resilient.
Reframing. Why reframing can change you and your children’s lives for the better.
Empathy. Why understanding, incorporating, and teaching empathy are Fundamental in creating happier children and adults.
No Ultimatums. Why avoiding power struggles and using a more democratic parenting approach fosters trust, resilience, and happier kids.
Togetherness and Hygge (Coziness). Why a strong social network is one of the most important factors in our overall happiness. How creating hygge (coziness) can help us give this powerful gift to our children.
(pg. xi)

“Parental ethnotheories.” She has studied this phenomenon for decades across cultures, and what she has found is that these intrinsic beliefs about the right way to parent are so ingrained in our society that it’s almost impossible to see them objectively. For us, it just seems to be the way things are.

What if we told you that free play teaches children to be less anxious? It teaches them resilience. And resilience has been proven to be one of the most important actors in predicting success as an adult. The ability to “bounce back,” regulate emotions, and cope with stress is a key trait in a healthy, functioning adult. We now know that resilience is great for preventing anxiety and depression, and it’s something the Danes have been instilling in their children for years. And one of the ways they have done it is by placing a lot of importance on play. (pg. 13)

when it is time, you let him go. You don’t carry or push him over. In Denmark, parents try not to intervene unless it’s absolutely necessary. They trust their children to be able to do and try new things and give them space to build their own trust in themselves. They provide them with scaffolding for their development and help them build their self-esteem, which is very important for the “whole child.” If children feel too pressured, they can lose the joy in what they are doing, and this can lead to fear and anxiety. (pg. 17)

They are testing dangerous situations, and no one but the child himself knows the right dose or how to manage it. But it’s important that they feel in control of the dose of stress they can handle. This in itself makes them feel more in control of their lives. Juvenile animals and primates do the same thing. They deliberately put themselves into dangerous situations, leaping and swinging from trees while twisting and turning and making it difficult to land. They are learning about fear and how to cope with it. It’s the same with play fighting, as mentioned earlier. (pg. 21)

For children, social situations are also stressful. Social play can bring on both conflict and cooperation. Fear and anger are just some of the emotions that a child must learn to cope with in order to keep playing. In play there is no such thing as getting excessive praise. Rules have to be negotiated and renegotiated, and players have to be aware of the emotional state of the other players in order to avoid someone getting upset and quitting, because if too many players quit, the game is over. Since children fundamentally want to play with each other, these situations require them to practice getting along with others as equals – a vital skill for happiness in later life.

Let them be free and forget the guilt

They don’t need an adult-led activity or specific toys. The more you can let them be in control of their own play, using their imagination ad doing it themselves, the better they will get at it. The skills they are learning are invaluable. We are so caught up in worrying about how many organized activities our children are involved in or what they are learning that we are forgetting the importance of letting them play freely. Stop feeling guilt that letting them play means you aren’t parenting. Free play is what they are missing!

Or is this what I thought I was supposed to want?

In contrast, authenticity is searching your heart and gut for what is right for you and your family and not being afraid to follow through with it. It’s allowing yourself to be in touch with your own emotions and act on them rather than burying or numbing them. These things take courage and strength, but the payoff is huge. Learning to act on intrinsic goals, such as improving relationships or engaging in hobbies you love, rather than on extrinsic goals, such as buying a new car, is what is proven to create true well-being.

For example, if a Danish child scribbles a drawing very quickly and gives it to her parent, the parent probably wouldn’t say, “Wow! Great job! You are such a good artist!” She is more likely to ask about the drawing itself. “What is it?” “What were you thinking about when you drew this?” “Why did you use those colors?” Or perhaps she would just say thank you if it was a gift.

Use examples from your own childhood

Whether it’s the doctor’s office or a difficult situation or just a fun time, kids like to hear about your experiences and how you felt when you were little, particularly when it’s true and heartfelt. This gives them a better understanding of who you are and lets them know that their situation is normal even if they are scared, happy, or sad. (pg. 42)

Realistic optimists merely filter out unnecessary negative information. They learn to tune out negative words and occurrences and develop a habit of interpreting ambiguous situations in a more positive manner. They don’t see things as only bad or good or black or white but instead realize that there are many shades in between. Focusing on the less negative aspects of situations and finding a middle ground reduces anxiety and increases well-being.

Limiting language, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. Saying things like “I hate flying,” “I am terrible at cooking,” or “I have no willpower; that’s why I am so fat” is limiting language. “I really enjoy traveling once I get off the plane,” “I prefer using recipes when I cook,” and “I am trying to eat healthy and walk more now” present completely different ways of looking at the same things. It’s less black and white and less limiting, and it has a completely different feel. Our language is a choice, you see, and it’s crucial because it forms the frame through which we see the world. By reframing what we say into something more supportive and less defining, we actually change the way we feel.

Imagine if we had said that what Gary did was ridiculous and mean. Children will remember that. When it’s our own children who are doing something similar next time, they know that we judge. If we trust other people and know how to forgive, we teach our children that we also forgive them when they misbehave. If we maintain that it is human to fail, and that we can see other positive things despite that truth, our children will also be gentler on themselves when they fail. (pg. 66)

What is remarkable about this to think how these word choices are laying the groundwork for seeing the good in others as a default setting in the future. By pointing out the good in others, it becomes natural to see the good in others. It becomes more natural to trust. It is rare indeed to hear a Danish person talking negatively about another child in front of their children.

What they do instead is try to explain the behavior of others and why they might have acted in an unpleasant way. “She was probably very tired and missed her nap.” “Do you think he was hungry? You know how grumpy we can be when we are hungry.” They try to lead their children to seeing a child’s behavior as merely affected by a circumstance rather than labeling that child as mean, selfish, or obnoxious. This is the supporting language we talked about in chapter 4. (pg. 89)

However, they are very responsive to their children’s questions about the rules. Danes see children as intrinsically good and react to them accordingly. For example, an interesting difference in language between Danish and English is what we call the toddler years. In English it is called the “terrible twos,” whereas in Danish it is called trodsalder (the “boundary age”); children pushing boundaries is normal and welcomed, not annoying and terrible. When you see it that way, it is easier to welcome the misbehavior rather than seeing it as bad and deserving of punishment. (pg. 105)

Stop worrying about what others think of you or your child’s behavior. Yelling and physicality often get ratcheted up by the added stress of someone watching you. Whether you are at a friend’s house or with your family or out in a restaurant or shop, keep you behavior in line with your values. It’s about being authentic and behaving in accordance with what you believe. Don’t worry about how others raise their kids or how your family thinks you should raise yours. Focus on doing what is right for your children and believe in that success. (pg. 111)

Know the difference between the battles and the war and don’t take every battle. Is it really important that their clothes or hair look perfect all the time? Is it really important that they don’t wear that Batman shirt one more day? Is it really important that they clean their plate right now because you said so? Or they try spinach because they need to right now? Is it really worth it? This is what you have to decipher and decide with your partner when the big lines need to be enforced. Maybe at a friend’s house or in a restaurant isn’t the right time. What are your big lines, and when do you really want to try to educate and enforce them? (pg. 112)

Low stress makes everything uncharged, especially food

Remember, there are phrases for your children with food as well. Giving healthy choices with food on the table, cutting out unhealthy snacks, and making mealtimes pleasurable rather than like a prison camp will teach your child that food is a lovely, enjoyable thing. (pg. 115)

For example, at Christmas they work together to make sure there is maximum comfort. This is a team effort. It includes things like making the atmosphere warm with candles and good food, but it’s also in their way of being. They try to help out so that one person or a few don’t feel like the only ones doing all the work. Older children are encouraged to play with and help the younger ones. They try to engage in games that everyone can take part in, and they all make an effort to play – even if they don’t particularly want to. Opting out of the game wouldn’t be hyggeligt; it would be “not cozy.” They try to leave their personal problems behind for those times and be positive and stay away from too much discord, because they value this cozy time together and want it to be just that.

New Moms and the Danish Way of Togetherness

The calming effect of togetherness can particularly be seen in new mothers, who are under an incredible amount of stress adjusting to their new role. Lack of sleep combined with all the tasks in front of new parents can be overwhelming. Yet research shows that the reaction new mothers often have to this difficult period is to reduce the amount of social support rather than increase it. This is paradoxical because it actually makes the situation worse. Support from friends, family members, and parent groups has been clearly proven to help new mothers deal better with stress, thereby helping them see their children in a more positive light. This improves everyone’s quality of life, particularly the growing child’s. The more parents surround themselves with social support, the healthier and happier the baby will grow up to be. (pg. 133)

Practice “preframing”

Prepare yourself and your family for a get-together so that you’ll get the most out of it without putting on your usual prescription glasses for the world or your family. Try to imagine what kind of experience you are about to have, and the think or talk about coping strategies that will help you remain calm while you are there. Remember that stress-free get-togethers with family gently with different family members. Change it. Use empathy, reframing, and preframing to help.