I have this rule when traveling: If I’m not leading (e.g. planning the itinerary, figuring out how to get to the next destination, etc.) then I’m not allowed to complain.
Because if I’m complaining, it means I think I could do a better job. And if I think I could do a better job, I should have just led in the first place.
On our babymoon in France, my wife led the way. She decided where we’d go, she booked the hotels, and ordered most of the food. My job was to enjoy the trip and be good company. If we got lost or the hotel rooms were awful, well, my right to complain is forfeit. If I wanted a different result, it was my responsibility to ask for it.
The flip side is if I am leading and something goes wrong… then I’m still not allowed to complain. I made the decision, so what is there to complain about? I made the bed, now I sleep in it.
In short, I’m not allowed to complain. No matter what: I did it. It’s all my fault.
Extreme ownership
Putting all the responsibility on your own shoulders sounds exhausting, but on the contrary, it’s liberating. Once you accept it’s all your fault, all the time, you realize how much is under your control:
- Your relationships. You didn’t drift apart from your closest friend. You stopped making an effort… which means you can be the first one to pick up the phone and call.
- Your health. Getting fat and unfit wasn’t random. You traded your health for your convenience or your career, or because it felt good. You can change that anytime.
- Your career. If you want more responsibility or money, show your work. If you hate the job, leave. If you need the money, build skills on the side or find ways to spend less, and then leave. Either way, you took that job. It’s on you. Not your parents, not the economy, not your boss.
Jocko Willink called this level of personal accountability “extreme ownership.” Here are other examples I’ve found particularly powerful:
Kirian Fitzgibbons – When a fighter loses, it’s my fault
Kirian is the head coach of Combat Sports Academy in Dublin, California.
“My philosophy’s this, when a fighter wins, they did their job. When a fighter loses, I didn’t. And it’s just that simple.
“[Take for example, Alexis Davis’s recent fight.] The game plan was very simple. There were pieces of the game plan that worked, like the right kick moved her where we needed to move her.
“The left body kick was also part of the game plan, to take away what we needed. Alexis wasn’t throwing the kick. Whose fault is that? Mine or Alexis’s?
“In my mind, it’s my fault because I didn’t see that that wasn’t going to happen. So what did I do wrong? How did I miss that half of the game plan, that would have won this fight, wouldn’t happen?
“I can sit back and be mad at the fighter, or I can sit back and say, ‘You missed this in training, you need to figure out how to avoid this, you need to learn from it.’
“And that’s what I do every single fight.” [note]JRE MMA Show #38 with Gaston Bolanos & Kirian Fitzgibbons | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAik24xe3HE | 1:34:30[/note]
Takeaway: Set the strategy with the execution in mind. If the strategy is sound but something goes wrong in the execution, it’s still your fault. Part of your responsibility is to account for lapses in execution and plan accordingly.
Gary Vaynerchuk – Everything that happens in a company is 100% the CEO’s fault
Gary Vaynerchuk is the CEO of VaynerMedia.
“Everything in business stems from the top, whether you’re the boss of two people in a three-person team or the head of a Fortune 500 company. And everything that happens in a company is 100% the CEO’s fault.” [note]#AskGaryVee | http://a.co/d/fI7yyvT[/note]
“No one should ever point to time or money as an obstacle. They are firmly in the excuses column, and I have no patience for that. I will never make an excuse. Everything that is a problem with me, everything I don’t achieve and everything wrong with VaynerMedia is my fault. I succumb to that, I respect that, and that’s how I think it should be. No excuses. Even more so, you shouldn’t let yourself have patience for excuses either. Train yourself to believe this, and you will see amazing results. No joke.
“There will always be problems, and you need to get out of the mindset that they are obstacles because you should already assume they will be there. They’re just part of the path.” [note]The Biggest Obstacle to Success | https://medium.com/@garyvee/this-is-the-biggest-obstacle-to-success-3dd2f8dd5028[/note]
Takeaway: Everything starts at the top, with the CEO. You’re the CEO of your life. There will always be obstacles, and it’s your job as CEO to navigate them.
Danny Meyer – It’s your job to move back to center
Danny Meyer is the CEO of Union Square Hospitality Group (Union Square Cafe, Gramercy Tavern, Shake Shake, Blue Smoke, Eleven Madison Park, and others)
Danny was complaining to a friend about employees who didn’t follow the standards he set. That friend put a salt shaker in front of him and told Danny to put the shaker at the center of the table.
Danny did. His friend moved it.
“Put it back where you want it,” the friend said. Danny moved it back to the center.
The friend pushed it away again.
“Listen: Your staff and your guests are always moving your salt shaker off center. That’s their job. It is the job of life. It’s the law of entropy!
“Until you understand that, you’re going to get pissed off every time someone moves the saltshaker off center. It is not your job to get upset.
You just need to understand: that’s what they do. Your job is just to move the shaker back each time and let them know exactly what you stand for. Let them know what excellence looks like to you.
“And if you’re ever willing to let them decide where the center is, then I want you to give them the keys to the store. Just give away the fuckin’ restaurant!” [note]Setting the Table | http://a.co/d/3kwegG2 | page 188[/note]
Takeaway: Life is entropy. Life is going to push you off center — don’t get mad. That’s what happens in life. Your job is to keep steering it back into the right direction.
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Photo Credit: Film, Blue Valentine
