Strong To Be Kind (Oliver’s 6th Birthday Letter)

“Do you know why you train BJJ?” I asked.

You shook your head.

“It’s like training your Pokemon. The more they train, the more experience and skills they develop. People are the same. We need to train to build our real-life skills. And BJJ is an important real-life skill to have.” I paused.

“Does that make sense?”

“No,” you said. “None of that made sense.”

Gentle parenting ascribes to a common refrain:

“Not everything needs to be a teachable moment.”

In other words: chill out.

I’ve been called many different things. Gentle isn’t one of them. I’m too paranoid. Paranoid there isn’t enough time, paranoid about a capricious future. So I have to make our time together count. If there’s a lesson, I’m compelled — no, obligated — to help you see it.

But paranoia or not, there’s one skill I see you’ve already nailed down: the skill of kindness. At 6 years of age, you’re already a kinder, more loving older brother than I ever was. You find ways to include Annabel and Theodore in all the things you do: Pokemon battles, Beyblades, board games, opening presents, morning coffee.

When we try to carve out solo time with you, you immediately invite your siblings. When Annabel is upset, you’re quick to crack a joke or suggest a game of baby. Your first action after getting out of bed is to find and snuggle Theodore, before asking to watch TV.

You have this beautiful soul that clearly didn’t come from your dad. Kindness comes so naturally to you; I’m still figuring out how to be a good older brother, even though it’s mostly too late. As Tim Urban says, I’m at the tail end. But you inspire me to keep trying.

You, my love, you’re at the beginning, with infinite possibilities ahead of you. There is so much good and kindness for you to give, and I dread the idea of this world chipping that kindness out of you, one cruel injustice at a time. That’s what the world does, as sure as gravity, or a Fast & Furious sequel.

I’ve watched it happen, kindness ripped from a person’s grip. It’s not inevitable, but it takes strength to take it back. You have to be strong to be kind.

I can’t wait to see what you do with that kindness this year.

I can’t wait to see how strong you become in years to come.

Happy 6th birthday, my love.